Once upon a time, I was sound asleep. I dreamt of a grand party with overflowing champagne and people all dressed in white. Everybody was having a good time with the music and the drinks. People were dancing all around. I, the host, was sitting on my couch with two beautiful ladies beside me. Everybody knew my name. Then without warning, nature called.

I casually excused myself from a group of friends and was on my way to the bathroom when I realized that my house didn’t have any. I looked at the master’s bedroom, the kitchen, the living room, the ballroom, the “boom boom” room – nothing.

My fantasy started to turn into a nightmare as I felt my bladder bursting with nature’s call. Then I woke up. Thank god I was back in my dirty little one room apartment. I got up and hit my shin on the edge of a night table.

Ouch.

I should really get my lava lamp fixed. I was feeling my way to the bathroom as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. Two stubbed toes and an eyeful of tears, I was in. All I needed to know was whether the seat was up or down lest I get an earful from the Missis tomorrow. Apparently it was down. I don’t think I need to go into detail with what happens next so let’s skip it.

After I answered the call, I had to make sure there weren’t any “droplets” if you know what I mean. I had to open the light. FLASH! That really hurts my eyes. No droplets. Good. Now it’s time to get back to my bed. After I turning off the lights and after another stubbed toe and an eyeful of tears, I lied down and attempted to return to my white party. There has got to be a better way to navigate to the toilet without killing my toes. I need to get that Lav Nav my friend keeps talking about. All I have to do then is follow the light at the end of the hallway to answer nature’s calls.